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"That usually amounts to about seven and a half beers," commented Daniel's friend Nick Richards '08. "But Daniel was taking double shots so he ended up downing about 13 before 10 p.m." Richards claims he advised Daniel to slow down after this, but Daniel had no such intentions.
"It was just one of those nights," said Daniel Mahajiani '09 of the mayhem he raised across campus this past Saturday.
The night allegedly began with a "power-hour" in which Mahajiani and four of his closest friends each took one shot of beer every minute, on the minute, for an entire hour.
The group proceeded to head down Brown Street towards Wriston Quadrangle in central campus. En route, a belligerent Mahajiani was spotted making lewd sexual advances on a myriad of Brown students, traffic signs, parked cars, and even a reflection of himself in the windows of the Brown Biomedical Center.
After narrowly escaping confrontation with the driver of a car that Mahajiani had attempted to molest, the group of gentlemen finally arrived at the Delta Tau fraternity at roughly 11:30 p.m.
Upon his arrival, Mahajiani immediately sought out more alcohol. After being forcefully tossed from the kitchen, Daniel managed to find the bar, where he successfully obtained two rum and cokes and three screwdrivers before being shoved out of line by a thirsty fellow partygoer.
"I've never seen Daniel drink so much," said Harry Krashdan '09, a member of Mahajiani's crew of marauding hooligans. "It was almost like watching a group of camels at an oasis in the Sahara, except the group of camels was a 6-foot-tall Indian male and the oasis was a bar."
Little is known of Mahajiani's whereabouts between the times of 11:45 p.m. and 12:20 a.m., but he was seen being hurled from the fraternity at roughly 12:25 a.m. after several DTau brothers found him urinating in the sink of one of their bathrooms while singing "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.
"That's when things really got crazy," said Richards.
Mahajiani, followed closely by his companions, left Wriston Quad and began to head up Thayer Street at breakneck speed. He paused only to duck into Happy Dumpling, where he was seen dancing on one of the tables and stripping.
"It wasn't really the stripping that got to me," said Emily Howard, Happy Dumpling employee. "It was the fact that he said 'Make me some fucking dumplings, you bitches,' as he did it. That's what really hurt."
Daniel was finally forced out of the restaurant, but only after having successfully removed his jacket, shirt, and pants, and stealing a stack of plates and roll of tinfoil from behind the counter.
"We couldn't get him to put his clothes back on, but we did manage to make him wrap himself in some tinfoil so that no cops would charge him with indecent exposure. I think he thought it was like armor or something," commented Krashdan.
After failing to convince him that the show had ended several months ago, Mahajiani's friends could only watch and stare as their drunken friend made his way back to his residence in Andrews Hall screaming "Flavor of Love, bitches!!!"
Daniel reemerged onto Thayer Street a half an hour later at 1:20 a.m., still wrapped in tinfoil and now sporting a plastic Viking helmet. With only one thing on his mind at this point, Daniel headed for the Sciences Library.
"We've all heard that Brown students occasionally have sex at the top of the SciLi," said Richards. "I guess Daniel just assumed there were girls up there waiting to do it every night."
Needless to say, no girls were waiting for him, but the next morning, biochemistry concentrator Samantha Schiff '08 found Mahajiani on the 12th floor cuddling peacefully with a stack of physics textbooks.
