Partly Cloudy, 64°
For weeks, Robert Vass '12 literally thought he was going crazy. He would wake up in the middle of the night, his bed shaking in a violent, staccato rhythm akin to a small earthquake. A native of Parkfield, California, a small town which lies almost directly above California's San Andreas transform fault, Vass assumed the jolts were from just such a quake.
"When it first happened, I didn't think it was a big deal," Vass recalls. Aftershocks causing moderate disturbance are common occurrences in Parkfield.
As soon as Vass turned on a lamp, however, the tremors would stop. These "phantom quakes" confused and concerned Vass, and he eventually sought a medical opinion. Doctors referred him to therapists, who all recommended consulting Brown's psychiatric services.
Diagnosed with mild dementia, Vass began taking a strong agonist cocktail to quell his symptoms. For a while, everything returned to normal.
"I slept like a rock," Vass recalls. "Then one night, I went out drinking and forgot to take my meds."
That night, at approximately 3:30 AM, Vass was jolted out of slumber by the largest quake he'd ever experienced. Literally thrown out of his bed, Vass immediately scrambled underneath his desk and covered his head. Just as it had so many times before, the quake stopped. Unlike any previous occasion, however, the lights stayed off.
"I started listening," Vass recounts, staring determinedly into the distance. "And what I heard I didn't like one bit."
When Vass related the problem to classmate George Ryan '12, Ryan advised him that his roommate was "obviously, you know.doing it."
Vass immediately began an investigation of what "it" might entail. On a free afternoon, he attempted to trail his roommate, hoping to pick up clues.
"I kept waiting for him to return whatever earthquake simulator or electrical generator he's clearly been borrowing, but he hasn't made so much as one trip to the hardware store," said a puzzled Vass. "And he's been going to the gym, so the grunts I'm hearing must not be him weight-lifting."
Vass' next breakthrough was a realization that his roommate must be suffering from debilitating night tremors that shook his bed. "'Doing it' must be some kind of medical euphemism for tremors. George is PLME, so he would know about stuff like that," said Vass.
Unfortunately, the doctor who had first treated Vass was unsympathetic to his concerns on behalf of his roommate. "I asked the doctor what he knew about 'doing it' and winked so he'd get my meaning, but he just asked me to please get out of his office and not come back."
As the phantom quakes persist, Vass has hired a lawyer and plans to sue the school for physical damages and medical malpractice. He is hoping to "teach 'em a lesson." When asked why he wasn't suing his roommate instead, Vass's face became a matrix of shock.
"Dude," he retorted. "Bros before Brunos."
