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A Brown University student playing Nintendo's latest game system, the Wii, has reportedly destroyed his television and earth. The epicenter of the strike was pinpointed at Woolley Hall 409, where Juan Kim '10 was last seen playing Wii Tennis.
"I was going for a forehand winner down the line when the controller just slipped out of my hand," said the stunned Kim, while awaiting eternal judgment. "I don't know how it happened. I had just washed my hands with soap and was sitting in a tub of baby oil and I'd replaced the controller's plastic shell with one made entirely from butter, but I think the wrist strap was just faulty. In all honesty, I'm probably going to hell for this one."
"Can't say I didn't see that coming," admitted roommate Andrew Vasconez '10, next in line for judgment. "He once punched me in the face and bloodied my lip playing Wii tennis. Big cross-court backhand. He didn't even win the point."
"The worst part is he broke our TV," continued Vasconez. "We spent three hundred bucks on that things and lugged it here from Boston. But I've heard of people suing Nintendo, so maybe we could squeeze some money out of this."
Nintendo had been a target for lawsuits concerning broken televisions and physical injuries since the release of the Wii. On several occasions, Nintendo had even been ordered to reimburse customers for their shattered televisions, and this case should be no different. Nintendo executives had estimated the reimbursement of the broken earth would have cost the company roughly eighty-bajillion dollars, were it still in existence.
"I knew the Wii's technology would be absolutely groundbreaking," said Gunpei Yokoi, a former Nintendo employee. "I had no idea how right I would be." Mr. Yokoi is known to many as the creator of the single greatest invention ever to grace the earth, the Gameboy. For selling his soul to the devil, Mr. Yokoi has been serving his eternal sentence since his death in 1997, and he lives comfortably in Hell's Sixth circle, receiving occasional updates on Nintendo's progress.
The destruction of earth also had the side effect of the death of everyone everywhere and a run on the gates of both Heaven and Hell.
"It hasn't really been too bad here," said Satan, "We were already prepared for most of 'em, and accommodations are never a problem down here. The end of the world isn't so bad-it's not like we're going anywhere anyway, right?"
The Lord could not be reached for comment, as He was too busy bowling yet another perfect game in <i>Wii Bowling</i>.
