Partly Cloudy, 64°
Things started to go downhill for Zack Baird '12 when he was turned away at the V-Dub. "The cute girl swiping the cards was totally eyefucking me, and then all of a sudden there was a beep and she was like 'I'm sorry, you're out of meal credits.' I tried flex points. None. Guest credits? Nope. I wasn't going to pay eight bucks to eat cafeteria food. I was totally ashamed. So I just went out and strangled a pigeon."
Since then, Baird has been forced to resort to eating road kill, laying traps for squirrels in Prospect Park, and fishing the Providence River with his bare hands. He also reported that his predicament has lead to ostracism from his fellow students. "This girl walked into the kitchen while I was roasting a skunk I found in the Wriston moat, and she acted all hostile and grossed out. She was like 'How am I going to bake my friend a cake with that thing in the oven?' I don't know, figure it out, bitch. Everybody's gotta eat."
Fellow Caswell resident Katie Schultz '12 reported her disgust when she discovered Baird eating ants out of a log. "I had been smelling weird stuff coming from the kitchen, and once I found what I swore was a rat's tail, but I didn't know what could possibly be going on. Then I walked in one morning to fry some eggs and he was gnawing on this big stick, making these nasty slurping noises. And then he looked up and just said 'What?!' in this really standoffish way."
Baird also reported dangers to his personal safety. He was twice nearly hit by cars while grabbing dead animals off I-95, and at one point was robbed by a hobo gang while killing a mutant fish under the Gano Street Bridge. "The cops thought I was crazy when I reported it, too. They told me to brush my teeth before they would investigate."
As to how he wound up in this situation so early in this semester, Baird chalked it up to his many trips to the Gate while high. "There was one night when I bought like five soups. Clam Chowder, Italian Wedding, Cream of Mushroom. Now I'm lucky if I can get Chipmunk Stew."
In his first interview with the Noser, Baird eloquently compared his plight to those of Jack Kerouac, Ernest Hemingway, and "the dude from 'Into The Wild'". During a follow-up, however, all he could manage was, "Oh how I wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet. Yesssss, precious. Gollum. Gollum!"
Professor of Medicine Dr. Devin Dangerfield, who has been monitoring Baird's condition, said this was likely due to the Providence River's high concentrations of mercury, arsenic, and mafia victims.
