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Representatives from the Office of Residential Life announced early this morning that they have finally found proper housing arrangements for Tom Roy '10, who will be moving to Keeney Quadrangle early next week.
The past couple months have been a trying and lengthy battle for the freshman, who had reportedly been sexiled since early October, resulting in a full-time stay at the Sharpe Refectory.
"I still remember the first day of exile," Roy recalled. "I came back to my room at around 2 a.m. as I do after every Monday night Scrabble practice, and immediately noticed the subtle sketch of two stick figures having sex on the white board, my roommate's indication to not come in."
Roy said he then left to stay with some friends down the hall for the night.
"When I came back the next day," he told The Noser, "I was surprised to learn that the two were still in the room and that Shakira's 'Hips Don't Lie,' my roommate's favorite song, was still playing loudly in the background."
The unsuspecting freshman said he had known his roommate, Romeo Lopez '07, to be "one charming, suave, and well-polished Latin lover," and, thus, deduced that this could be a matter of days. Though Roy tried to stay optimistic, he said that "a hunch in [his] stomach" told him that something was potentially problematic as the first snowfalls indicated the arrival of December.
"It was heart-wrenching to see him like that," recalled Suzie Gonzales '10, Roy's neighbor. "He checked back every day and night, looking to get in. It was freezing outside, and he hadn't showered in over two months."
Roy, who had by that time grown a seven-inch beard and reeked of heated vending machine chicken, said that the hardest part for him was "not being able to check Facebook."
Everything changed, though, last February when, upon learning that Lopez had burned all of Roy's textbooks, homework, and Scrabble notes in an attempt to create what the Latino called "an Antonio Banderas kind of sensual atmosphere in the
room," Roy submitted an official petition to the Office of Residential Life asking to change rooms.
The foreplay was now over.
