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In a bold move that shocked friends and family alike, Anthony Morano '11 is going off meal plan.
"For the sake of my health, my finances, my fellow peers, and my bowels, I will no longer be eating at the Ratty second semester," announced the sophomore to a half-full table behind the omelet bar. "I will cook beautiful meals night after night," Anthony continued, as the crowd looked on with such expressions of awe that they, in fact, did not look awed at all.
"That's great, Anthony. Will you please stop waving my fork like a scepter now?" responded his roommate Greg Young '11-clearly an ignorant supporter of the structural-University gastronomical slave machine.
"Whole Foods will be my lunch lady" railed the student, standing proudly atop his chair "and the kitchen my mother! There shall be no more disappointment, no more long lines ending in shattered dreams of sweet potato fries, and no more broken ice cream machines! Do you hear me? I die a little inside every time I can't get my whippy cone!" These brave words could be heard as far, we are told, as the table in the corner where that one creepy guy eats alone every day.
Though many told Anthony his quest was madness, he remained undeterred in his commitment to once and for all shirk off the imperialist Refectory chains. He finalized his commitment later that week by attempting to burn his Brown ID in full view of the public. He was unsuccessful, but the symbolic importance was surely appreciated by the nearby squirrels.
Now the boy wonder has been off meal plan for four weeks.
"He's dead to me" said Jennifer Grayson '10, a former friend of Morano's. "He hasn't eaten a meal with me in forever. I invited him to the Blue Room, even. Meet me halfway, ya know? He just laughed. I don't even see him at parties. He started brewing his own alcohol, too, apparently. So I said fuck it. Actually, he might be dead after what happened. I'm not sure."
Grayson was referring to the recent "Mac 'n Cheese" incident Anthony incurred. There were no permanent injuries, although several students will never look at kittens in quite the same light. It was the most recent in a series of setbacks that he has faced, which also includes advanced Ramen poisoning and talking leftovers. Yet these happenings seem only to have strengthened his resolve.
"Do you know who else went off meal plan? Gandhi. That's who. You know who else? Oprah. These are the giants upon whose shoulders I am standing," said Anthony. "I've lost 20 pounds, several extraneous muscle groups, and some of my hair. Now I don't have to pay for haircuts! Really, going off meal plan is the best thing I've ever done." Meanwhile, he gazed, from a distance, at the V-Dub while clutching his Whole Foods tote bag.
"I'm occasionally worried about him" said Greg. "He recently began to explain to me that it was the whole meal plan system that was keeping our society down. Apparently he has "big plans" for the future that will make us all see his genius. Why he was wearing a top hat and a fake handlebar moustache at the time, I have no clue. I think that microbrew might be the problem-it smells like a mixture of antifreeze, pureed celery, and the tears of small children."
At the time of publishing, there have been scattered reports that Anthony has either learned to subsist entirely on his own self-righteousness, or begun eating his own fingers covered in the finest of peanut sauces.
