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The recent murder of Charles Webelo has sent the local community into a state of eco-outrage. Barry Partridge, confirmed perpetrator of the crime, was apprehended by authorities last Thursday afternoon at his home on Gano Street.
Upon hearing the news of the murder of Webelo, Margaret Derby, neighbor of Partridge and head of the local chapter of Citizens for a Greener World, said she was "unsurprised" by Partridge's actions.
"That Mr. Partridge was a bad egg. I remember during last year's Earth Hour he actually had the nerve to turn on his kitchen light! I don't care if he cut open a major artery by stepping on glass; he can bandage it in the moonlight like the rest of us. I would have loved to have played checkers with my cats, Scotsby and Mr. Biddles, under lamplight, but we all have to make our sacrifices. This scandal is typical of Mr. Partridge. He doesn't care for anyone but himself."
Sergeant James Reyez of the Providence Police Department says that he had received calls from Partridge complaining about Webelo, the victim, prior to the incident, but that the complaints were unfounded.
"Charlie was just being a good neighbor. Sure, he walked into Barry's house to turn off the television when Barry left the family room, and he allegedly slashed the tires of Barry's car to make him take the bus to work, but is trying to save the environment a crime? You can bet your bottom dollar it ain't. Hell, I wish I had a neighbor like that, someone to watch over my shoulder 24/7 and constantly correct my every move."
It seems that Partridge, however, did not share Sgt. Reyez's sentiments. Police first received word of Partridge's criminal act from one of his neighbors, Miles Grant, who discovered Partridge's grisly handiwork on a routine trip to the neighborhood compost bin.
"It was the most terrible thing I ever saw," says Grant. "I'm taking my petunias to the compost bin and I see something sort of reflective poking out of the leaves. I brush the area off and then blam, I see 'em. Bags and bags of bloody body parts. I mean, did he really think people wouldn't notice that there were plastic bags in the compost bin?"
While police have gathered testimonials placing Partridge at the scene of the crime, they are still at a complete loss over the remaining piece of the puzzle that will ensure Partridge's incarceration: motive.
Criminal psychologist Dr. Cynthia Sanders voices their bafflement: "The way in which Partridge killed Webelo lends strong evidence to the supposition that Partridge was indeed a mentally unstable person. Choosing to use a gasoline powered chainsaw instead of the rusty pair of shears in his garden shed tells us that Partridge was so emotionally distraught at the time of the murder that he was unwilling to spend a few extra hours shearing his victim's limbs into bag-size portions, despite the amount of greenhouse gases this latter method would have comparatively saved from being released into the atmosphere. We just need to figure out the inciting incident that pushed Partridge over the edge.
"But from all accounts, it seems that the worst abuse anyone could pin on Webelo was when he petitioned Partridge to buy his wife only non-animal-tested perfumes by spraying all of Partridge's business clothes with 'Cheetah,' a line of women's perfume that abides by such restrictions. That Partridge's wife left him a week later may have exacerbated the situation, but in my professional opinion I think Webelo's actions were hardly grounds for being taken off of Partridge's Christmas card list, let alone his being murdered."
While all the citizens of Providence agree that the death of Charles Webelo is a great tragedy, forward thinkers like Angela Demici say that there is a lesson to be learned: "People like Partridge need to take Webelo's message to heart and realize that if we don't start protecting our environment today, there will be nobody left to kill tomorrow."
