Partly Cloudy, 64°
The new incarnation of Faunce House is finished and finally open for business. However, there is one major change; the building once inhabited almost exclusively by Brown's hipster population has now taken on the theme of a construction site.
"Yeah, we decided to go with a theme change after we noticed how popular those hotels with 'themed rooms' have become," said foreman and noted construction expert Larry Hazelman. "I mean, who wouldn't rather stay in a 'Racecar Suite' than a regular, lame-ass room with some beds in it? It made perfect sense to simulate a real construction site, so that students could become more attached to the place. And maybe, just maybe, consider a career in construction."
"I personally love the place! I mean, I always loved the Blue Room, but now that everyone there wears hard hats and drills consistently blow dust in your face, it's so much more realistic." exclaimed Andy Rankins '12. " It's like the everyday world we all live in, and- whoa, hey there," Rankins said as he swiftly dodged a low-hanging girder.
"This place is great. It looks like a friggin paradise; a Valhalla, if you will" grunted Phil Toppicola, a construction worker who appeared to be wearing a full outfit of clothes that had previously been dipped repeatedly in paint. "I built this with my own hands. My sweat is in the building. Hey, students- is it comforting to know my sweat is all over the new Blue Room? Because it is. It's literally everywhere."
Distinguishing features of the new Faunce House include an exterior consisting of a permanent scaffolding finish, a lack of glass panes for the windows, and cardboard walls. The remodeling job also includes a number of new attractions, the most popular of which is "The Blindinator," a room where a cavalcade of construction byproducts is blown in your face until you experience permanent retinal damage. In addition, Leung Gallery has been transformed into an unfinished, asbestos-filled dungeon simply called "The Black Lung."
"I guess I kind of like it," Randi Marks '10 told the Noser. "I mean, frankly, it looks a lot like it did during the construction process. To be honest, I see absolutely no difference. It's like they just took chisels to the place then left it here and told everyone it was done."
"Yeah, I could see how one could say that without looking deeper," Hazelman responded. "When you investigate, though, you'll see that we accomplished all we set out to do by the date we agreed upon with the University. And, furthermore- yoink!" Hazelman exclaimed, as he grabbed a comically overstuffed briefcase, and sprinted towards what the Noser can only assume was the first train to Tijuana.
