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Starting Tuesday, November 3, students in various states of intoxication logged onto their laptops at 8 a.m. to register for spring semester classes that would expand their academic horizons in ways they might not have even considered without the influence of alcohol.
"I don't do preregistration sober," declared Chad Sullivan '12, flipping his hair and whipping out a bottle of Bacardi from its super secret hiding spot in his underwear drawer. "Alcohol helps me loosen up, take some risks, you know? Damn," he added, opening his mini-fridge, "We're out of Coke. Hey Joe [Hutchinson '12] can I use your Fruit Loops as a chaser?"
Swaggering over to his desk with the box of Fruit Loops, Sullivan poured himself his first shot and proceeded to explain the drunken haze of thought that led him to carefully craft each semester's schedule of horizon-broadening courses.
"Well, I scroll randomly through the subject list, up and down, like this," he said, moving his computer mouse wildly back and forth. "And then I count to ten in my head. When I get to ten, I have to click on the subject that the mouse is pointing at, see? And then I have to pick a class from that subject, and register for it. If I don't register for any classes under that subject, I have to run naked through the hallway."
Sullivan, who preregistered for POLS1740: "Politics of Food," VISA1310: "Painting I," PRSN0400: "Intermediate Persian Language and Culture," and AWAS1750: "Divination in Ancient Mesopotamia," intends to concentrate in Math.
Hutchinson, Sullivan's roommate, relies on alcohol for more serious reasons.
"It's the only way I can get up the nerve to preregister for Math 35," he confided, gulping down a couple shots before he at last summoned enough courage to stagger over to his laptop and, after a few tries, successfully type in the MATH0350: "Honors Calculus" CRN.
"And, of course, the more you drink, the more attractive those professors start looking," added Sullivan with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"Damnnn," slurred Hutchinson, ogling a picture of Professor Henson, a balding math professor with a button-down pinstriped shirt. "I might have to start pregaming for lecture. That is one hawt prof! And I mean hawt spelled H-A-W-T, you got that? I don't see you writing that down! Write it down, man. You got it? Got it?!"
Although Brown University encourages its students to preregister sober, students feel that their state of intoxication inspires them to take more academic risks.
"Would I ever have preregistered for Painting I if I'd been sober?" demanded Sullivan, who was asked to leave his elementary school art class when he brandished a paintbrush threateningly at the teacher. "No. See, alcohol pushes you to do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. It opens up all kinds of new experiences."
Sullivan later passed out on the floor and had to be taken to Health Services-a "new, enriching experience" which he might not have ordinarily pursued without the influence of alcohol.
