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In a surprising departure from its typical practices of manufacturing soft drinks and abusing human rights in Colombia, The Coca-Cola Company has announced it will soon roll out a new drink to compete for the coveted "Booze and Lime Lovers" demographic.
"For years, children worldwide and across
the planet have enjoyed the mediocre, watered-down taste of Sprite," said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent. "Now we're giving their parents the chance to drown their sorrows in our new Sprite with Beer."
Unlike using cancer-inducing pesticides in the bottled Coke products of India, it's no secret that the company is playing catch-up with their new drink. Over the summer, all-American brewery and Belgian waffle bakery Budweiser introduced Bud Light with Lime, a daring new product that asked drinkers to ponder whether a drink could contain lime and not be, like, totes gay?
"Ik drink graag een aapje," said Budweiser's PR spokesperson who gave his name as Hans Americanmister. "He, heb je gehoord van de een over de twee pinda's lopen in de straat? Een van hen was een-gezouten! Het is grappig omdat het over verkrachting."
Americanmister makes a valid point, but Coca-Cola is hoping to appeal to a broad swath of alcoholics with their new drink and not just the typical crowd of Bud loyalists who, as he says, "really couldn't care less if they were sipping goat piss, so long as it contained alcohol."
"We think we've hit upon a great formula for inducing brand loyalty," Kent said. "The alcoholic content of Sprite with Beer, when mixed with the drink's caffeine, will open the doors to two great markets-those people who need to drink themselves into a stumbling stupor to forget their stressful lives and those high-maintenance, stressed-out people who need caffeine to stay awake."
At this point, Kent was interrupted by his aide who whispered something in his ear. "What do you mean, it doesn't have caffeine?" he responded. "Who the fuck drinks carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup for something other than the caffeine?"
Kent retracted the statement quoted above and requested it not be printed.
However, there are issues with the new beverage. A recent independent study found Sprite with Beer's formula to be extremely close to that of Bud Light with Lime. "They're both mostly water," said Dr. Leon Falcone who ran the scientific study. "Frankly, as a loyal American beer drinker, it makes sense to me."
Kent does not deny the charges, and even admits looking to other soft drink manufacturers for future ideas. "Already, there's talk around the labs of Fanta with Absinthe and Aquafina with Chardonnay. We've already thought of a tagline for that-Water Into Wine? Jesus Never Had it So Easy." "Oh, and, of course, there's Dr. Pepper with Fecal Matter. This last one is aimed specifically at the drinkers of Busch beer."
