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Last Tuesday, a heavy tanker carrying nearly 40,000 tons of unrefined testosterone spilled its contents in front of Wayland Arch while on its way to Helsinki. The long, cylindrical tanker struck the Sarah Doyle Women's Center at nearly 30 MPH, but failed to penetrate the building's outer wall. The truck belongs to BT (formerly British Testosterone), which has yet to issue a statement.
The Environmental Protection Agency, responding quickly to the event, estimated the accident to be the fifth largest testosterone spill in recorded history, and the second largest in the U.S. The agency fears that the effects on the community, as well as on local flora and fauna, will be irreversible.
When asked if residents had begun to notice the effects, local caveman Eric Benedict replied, "Stop calling me a fucking caveman! I'm a freshman, god dammit. A fucking student!" He later added, "Rrgh!" as he turned to spear a mastodon and celebrate the kill with his caveman hunting party before rushing to his economics section.
A local a cappella group had been performing under Wayland Arch at the time of the accident, yet no one was injured. The formerly co-ed, now all-male, group was interviewed by the EPA, but declined to comment for the Brown Noser.
Hans Lars, the EPA's on-site cleanup director, described the situation as "in the red, super critical" and has asked for cooperation from the Coast Guard, FEMA, and the Keeney Quad Residential Counselors.
"This is probably the worst spill I've ever seen," said Lars. "But preliminary reports from Keeney and Wriston haven't really noted any behavioral changes, so we can stop worrying."
The Sarah Doyle Women's Center, having borne the full brunt of the accident, was completely covered in free-flowing testosterone. Although relatively unscathed by the impact, the building has begun to grow hair on its upper steps, under its windowsills, and around the door.
SDWC Director Gail Cohee, while scratching her new mutton chops, expressed her contempt and disdain for BT. "You try shaving a two-story brick building everyday, then get back to me. Do you even know how much we've spent on just shampoo alone for this building? You bet your ass we'll sue them."
SDWC Librarian Hope Turner '08 reaffirmed Cohee's statement, noting that she supported the Center's choice of English Leather Musk to cover up the Center's new body odor.
BT North America is the world's leading exporter of crude testosterone, which is up to $32 per barrel, the highest mark in almost 2 decades.
