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A study led by Brown alumnus James Chun '03, to be published in the Journal of Natural Science, has made an astonishing breakthrough in the exciting new discipline of Asshole Studies - or, as the field's experts call it, Asshole Studies.
Chun has demonstrated that there is a clear inverse relationship between the interesting or humorous factors of a story and the regularity with which that story is told. Research was conducted from a random sampling of "people who didn't avoid eye contact when I asked them if they wanted to be in a study," Chun explained. The study also found that stories involving alcohol, sexual situations, inside jokes or celebrity encounters (or all of the above) were the most frequently told.
"It's startling how many people have a problem with this," Chun commented. "Why would you tell a story that's not funny? It's something I find really hard to understand, because all of my stories are awesome. We should hang out after this and I'll tell you a couple of them. What? Oh, no, I'm busy too. I was just speaking hypothetically."
Chun's work has opened the door for a sudden, explosive increase in Asshole Studies research. "The science world is very fluid right now, and sometimes new findings can appear unexpectedly - that was certainly the case with James's study," commented Asshologist Peter Simmons, who is currently researching the effects of laughing obnoxiously at one's own jokes on an individual's asshole level.
Chun agreed, saying, "I think we're going to see a real outpouring of Asshole research in the months to come." He then launched into an anecdote which was unnecessarily extensive and completely unrelated to anything previously mentioned.
Chun's most recent study is part of his research into "the full spectrum of ways to scientifically determine if someone really is an asshole," he explained. "It's kind of like when I was an undergrad interning for Patrick Kennedy. He's a member of the Kennedy family, you know. Anyway, one time - well, a couple times, actually - he spilled his coffee on me, and he would always say, 'Oops. I didn't see you there.' Get it? It's funny because he obviously did see me there, because I was a vital member of his staff and we had several deep, meaningful conversations every day. Except that he pretended he hadn't seen me! Pretty good, huh? Clearly, Representative Kennedy is not an asshole. He's just the nicest guy."
When asked about his previous studies, Chun revealed that he has researched very pressing issues in the scientific world, including the likelihood that anyone listens to your diatribe about that one issue you think is very important (very low) and the percentage of people who aren't as drunk as they want you to think they are (very high).
"I'm always on the lookout for unpleasant, annoying, or just socially dysfunctional people. That's why I went to grad school at Harvard," he explained. "I've actually become quite skilled at identifying these types of people without any scientific examination. I mean, I can already tell you're a dick - scientifically speaking, of course. You have this snide little look of superiority on your face, and I've never even heard of your stupid newspaper, so - hey! Wait! Where are you going? I still haven't told you about the time I almost made out with this girl who looked exactly like Megan Fox as long as I kept my eyes closed! Come back here!"
The Brown Noser will not be reporting on any future studies by James Chun.
