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The fragile peace between careless pedestrians and pissed off drivers on Waterman Street was rudely disrupted last week when Bruce Willis crashed through the new glass doors of J. Walter Wilson after diving out of an exploding helicopter. The aging badass then began to furtively dive around corners and shout "Yippee-Kay Yay" until he was escorted off the premises by DPS. While many onlookers described the sequence as "totally awesome," others were frustrated by the implausibility of the situation and lack of profanity.
While the whole incident lasted under 15 minutes, the Brown Corporation, which had been holding a 'super-duper secret' meeting nearby, felt like the disturbance really drove the proceedings to a halt. "We didn't get any work done, and we had to break early today since Donny had to pick up his kids from soccer practice," lamented Elizabeth Chace. "Being a faceless, generic evil is really a hassle sometimes."
She then took a long drink from her Shirle Temple, which she continuously referred to as "delicious virgin's blood."
"I'd like to say this is the first time that this has happened," sighed Jerome C. Vascellaro. "One or twice a year some action star bozo causes all this unnecessary commotion. We've had Samuel Jackson shout Psalm 23 at us, we've had Jason Statham demand we turn over 'the antidote', and we've had Jackie Chan attempt to subdue us with his martial arts and goofy charm. Last year Harrison Ford wandered in and demanded us 'damned kids get off [his] lawn', but in his defense I don't think he really knew where he was." After commenting, the vice chancellor furiously bit the head off a chocolate Easter bunny and went back to drawing pentagrams with crayons.
In response to the incident, UCS stepped up to the plate and used its authority to perform its favorite pastime: the polling of the student body. The results of the poll showed that most students didn't even know the Corporation existed, and those that did "[didn't] give a shit" about what it got up to at its meetings. The only students who showed strong opinions were linked to Students for a Democratic Society, a group described as "liberal pricks" by a student body where 86.1% supported the Democratic presidential candidate.
Eventually, the commotion died down and everything went back to normal. The Corporation briefly considered changing its name to 'The Cabal of Baby Punchers' or 'The Angel Rapists', but instead decided to build a pointless walkway that no one ever uses. "We're all very relieved that Bruce Willis is gone," announced Chancellor Tisch, "especially since it's now too late for him to stop the MASTER PLAN." Upon finishing this statement he erupted in a malicious cackle. In response, the rest of the Corporation members began to hiss and moan in a cacophony of demonic delight for the next 20 minutes until the intern showed up with their lunch orders, thus fulfilling their scheme to get takeout.
