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Originally believed to be securely detained in the Dean of the College's office in University Hall at Brown University, the HamBergleron is now on the loose. One inside source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told the Brown Noser that the HamBergleron may have escaped as early as last Thursday under the auspice of attending a lecture on the 19th-century revival of plainchant by French Benedictine monks. Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron has been unavailable for comment on the incident.
Upon learning the news, McDonald's ordered an immediate evacuation of all its Rhode Island and Massachusetts locations and the Fast-Food Terror level has been raised to Reddish-Orange, signifying an "almost definite attack with tomato-based purees." The fast-food chain is "horrified" and "appalled" at the events and promises to establish safeguards so that the beast preys solely on students of prestigious Ivy League institutions.
While tragedy is all but guaranteed, many have been speculating as to exactly how and where the HamBergleron will rear her ugly head. In a less extreme scenario, the HamBergleron would raid one or several McDonald's establishments and hoard bags of delicious quarter-pound hambergerons. In this case, one might expect Ruth McSimmons to bravely recover the hambergerons, put the HamBergleron back in custody, and in doing so bring joy to millions of children and Brown University students.
In a more extreme situation, the HamBergleron would discharge a slew of Decadent Enchantments on the Northeast, which may cripple thousands with a combination of liver problems, clogged arteries, nausea, diarrhea, and extreme, irreconcilable boredom. In an even worse case, The HamBergleron could lay Banner smack down on us all.
Brown University President Ruth J. Simmons, who is responsible for overseeing The Hambergleron, has issued a formal apology on behalf of the school for the escape of this heinous and impenitent beast. "The University acknowledges its role in this low-point of America's history and, as such, has created the Brown University Steering Committee on Hambergleron and
Justice."
The committee has been charged with "investigating and preparing a report about the University's historical relationship to the HamBergleron and the transatlantic hambergeron trade." Moreover, the Steering Committee must decide whether Brown University students, as well as the country at large, should receive reparations for the harboring and subsequent release of Brown's horrid captive on society-at-large.
Firing and forcing faculty members to quit their posts, the Hambergleron had elicited strong negative student reaction among avid readers of the Brown Daily Herald. The post-HamBergleron atmosphere on campus, however, appears mixed.
"Who escaped? Isn't she like a dean or some shit?" responded Brian Davis '11. Another student, Becky Mann '09, had a more nonchalant response to the news. "Don't eat me!!" she cautiously offered from her secret Grad Center hideout.
It is unclear how this volatile situation will play out, but the Brown Noser urges students to stop, drop, and roll upon encountering the HamBergleron. Moreover, the University recommends staying at least 100 feet away from Ratty hambergerons because they are God-awful.
