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Robert Dong '12, Facebook name "Big Bang," is a physics concentrator with all the attributes of a winning sex vocalist: He's a baritone with the lung capacity of a varsity swimmer and has a background in theater. "As soon as I hit puberty the competition was scared," he says, thrusting with a hoot for emphasis.
In 2010, Dong made it to the semifinals in Keeney, the toughest dorm on campus. He was the Archibald favorite, but he was let down by his freshman partner. According to spectators, she had an endearing giggle but lacked the full holler of an upperclassman. "Now I get top choice of competition partners," Dong beamed. "Graduating in physics means I'm a lot more likely to get a job next year, and senior girls dig that."
Dong interviewed over 200 females last May. Unsatisfied, he wandered the Main Green that night mulling over the applicants. "And there she was," he said, "howling at the full moon. She was perfect!"
That, however, was where Dong's luck ran out. He arrived in the fall to find his single in New Pembroke 2 had walls twice as thick as any of his neighbors. "Why wasn't this evident at the housing lottery? It's ridiculous. The University needs to make this sort of information freely available."
Cathy and Tina, a power team from the Chattertocks, won this year's competition decisively. Supporters even danced to their beat four floors above them in Grad Center. Dong was sorely disappointed. Weeks later, Cathy and Tina complained he was in the Sharpe Refectory pestering them with demands for a re-match. His official request is still being processed.
The sex trumpet rules, established in the 1960s, have not been modified since 1972. That year Perkins students schemed to get an edge on their competition in Brown's top intramural sport and entered as a unit. The Dean of the College unpopularly repealed Perkins' victory for destroying University property with their sound wave. Three babies with unknown fathers were conceived in the event and subsequently adopted by married Perkins alumni. Unfortunately, since the Perkins Scandal, sex trumpeting teams have been capped at two. Nevertheless, Perkins set an unbeatable World Record of 180 decibels.
Compare that to the measly 20 decibels heard outside Robert's dorm room. Because the extra wall depth is a university fluke, Dong can't appeal under the rules of fair competition. Still, he insists, "Do you think it's a coincidence Kristy Metcalf down the hall has paper thin walls? Do you?"
