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After yet another sad attempt at banter, Dave Elgers '12 was finally voted into exile by the Third Floor High Council of Chapin this past Thursday. While his arrival at any gathering or Glee party had long produced strained hellos and silent exchanges of dismay, the group reached its breaking point during a lounge study session when he declared that Karen should break up with her high school boyfriend.
"That bitch be crazy," he said, followed by "He doesn't Kar-enymore, eh? Eh?" The sad speech was not only a break with established group policy (that Karen and her boyfriend are "adorable") but also displayed Dave's sad appropriation of street slang despite his English heritage and penchant for illegal punnery.
With a portentous huff Ashley King '12 donned her inquisitor's robes, sounded the sacred gong, and Dave found himself chained to the stand as the lounge was hastily converted into the Hall of Judgment.
"Dave, he seemed pretty cool at first," she said in her opening statement to the Council over Dave's pleas for mercy. "His alternative band t-shirts and DVD collection gave him quick entry in September. Alas, as the months wore on he has proven to be naught but a burden to our merry-making and dinner trips." Dave's offenses were read aloud to a chorus of hisses and hex-signs from the gallery, including sloppy passes, boring stories, rumored Republican leanings, and "one poorly-worded jape concerning the race of High Councillor Chen".
Speaking in his own defense, Dave pointed to his contributions to the floor, including his possession of a banjo and the ability to shotgun beers in a single go. Tears in his eyes, he raged that Karen's vapid commentary and clichéd taste in music surely qualified her for exile as well.
Such defenses were quickly rebuffed by Inquisitor King. "As Councilor Alexis currently plays both the ukulele and hammer-dulcimer, we find ourselves full up on amusingly quirky musicians. And Karen holds the holy position of Most Bountiful Bearer of Cleavage, which more than makes up for her lack of personality."
High Councillor Chen soon pronounced the council ready to vote. In a desperate move, Dave petitioned to have his status changed from Fond Friend to Town Clown. After a brief debate in committee, it was announced that "while the butt of many jokes, he lacks the hearty spirit and extra 20 pounds to serve as reliable comic relief." They then unanimously agreed to send Dave Elgers into social exile, to remain forevermore.
"In keeping with tradition," read Chen, "he will no longer be invited to the dining hall, though he will be grudgingly tolerated should he choose to sit at our table. Passing greetings must be restricted to head-nods." The judgment being writ, the members of 3rd Floor Chapin thus ceremoniously signed their pact in blood, cast Dave naked into the vicious wilderness, and defriended him on Facebook "to avoid reading any angst-ridden status that may encourage sympathy and thus disunity in the ranks."
