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A squirrel was killed on Pembroke Campus Tuesday afternoon when Ember Snaggum '14 mistook the animal for a magical fighting monster, according to eyewitness reports.
Snaggum had just left Andrews Hall when he noticed something running across the grass. He slowly approached the creature, which was small and furry with a big tail.
"Fluffnutt," Snaggum said in a robotic-sounding voice to the mysterious animal, opening his economics textbook . "The squirrel Pokémon. In the wild, it is known to have an affinity for nuts. Its large tail is useful for lowering attackers' defense."
Snaggum then declared his intent to capture and enslave the animal in the name of friendship. "Pidgeotto, I choose you!" he said while pulling a small parakeet out of his inner jacket and throwing it in the air. "Use Whirlwind!"
The parakeet flew away as Snaggum released it from his hand, and the squirrel looked at Snaggum with confusion.
"Charmander, I choose you!" Snaggum said as he flung a small newt in the direction of the squirrel. He shouted, "Flamethrower attack!" as the newt disappeared into the grass.
Snaggum stood silent for a moment before opening his backpack and pulling out a Jack Russell terrier. "Entei, go!" he cried, dropping the dog to the ground.
The dog barked and ran towards the squirrel, which fled to a nearby tree and climbed up onto a branch.
"Nice work, Entei!" Snaggum said. The dog returned, a newt tail hanging from its mouth. Snaggum reached into his pocket and retrieved a baseball half-covered with red marker.
At that moment, a sexually ambiguous student with large blue hair appeared from behind Smith-Buonanno Hall. "Drop that Poké Ball!" yelled Grinch Capone '12, "The Fluffnutt is mine."
Snaggum indicated an unwillingness to heed Capone's request, arguing that it was his right to capture the squirrel. Capone suggested the two have their already enslaved animals fight to determine whose claim to the rodent was justified and pulled a small rattlesnake out of his jacket.
"Totodile, I choose you!" Snaggum said as he released a 17-foot-long alligator from its cage. Capone fled the scene while his cat, sneaking up the tree to grab the squirrel, fell down and was devoured by the giant reptile.
Snaggum then threw the baseball towards the squirrel. It struck the animal in the head, killing it immediately. The alligator promptly consumed the squirrel carcass.
President Ruth Simmons issued a warning Tuesday evening, advising the student body to take necessary precautions until the alligator was found.
