Partly Cloudy, 64°
Brown University seeks to accept students of all cultures, creeds, and backgrounds, from all corners of the Earth-and that includes racists.
"I mean, I think of myself as a pretty nice person, like Mr. Rogers or Hitler," began racist student Simon Bedford '13. "If you think about it, everyone hates somebody-be it that girl with the obnoxious laugh in Chem lab or people with different skin pigmentation. I guess my hatred is slightly more general than most other hatreds, but besides that I think of myself as a pretty normal guy."
His roommate, John Granger, who identifies as African-American, confessed that he was initially unaware of Bedford's deep rooted bigotry. "He lists his heroes on MySpace as Don Imus and Mel Gibson. I figured he was just being ironic or something, so I didn't make any mention of it. On the first day of classes I noticed a swastika patch on his pointy white zipper-down hoodie. Still I said nothing. Then one day, out of the blue, he asked me if I played any sports. That's when I realized he was a racist."
"Actually, I pretty much just hate everyone that's not a white Protestant male," Bedford announced in a statement to The Brown Noser exclusively. "That includes the Catholics, the gays, the Blue Man Group, all the Disney Princesses from 1992 to 1998, and especially the gypsies."
When asked why he applied to the most liberal Ivy League institution in the United States, which values racial acceptance and places its beloved African-American president on a golden pedestal, Bedford simply replied, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
Bedford is quickly gaining a following among the hipsters, who in an effort to remain on the counterculture end of things have determined that intolerance is "the new tolerance."
"I remember when it was unique to like Obama," said Joey Flowers '10, the hipsters' designated spokesman. "Now he's the leader of the free world and everyone worships him. But it's not only that. I go to Glasgow for one summer, and when I get back suddenly Zooey Deschanel and Spike Jonze are household names. We've become a dying breed overnight. Indie is on the verge of going mainstream and it's our mission to make it unappealing again."
Bedford is allegedly in the process of planning a small get-together for his followers. "It's a gathering where like-minded supremacists can dance, drink, and have a good time. So when you get a Facebook invite for a rager called The Nazi Party, be sure to RSVP 'yes'!"
Brandon Levy '11, devoted member of Brown's Third World Center, is organizing a group to crash the party. "We're going as the Inglourious Basterds. And rest assured, I'm gonna get me my scalps."
