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According to both confidential sources and a formal press release from the Office of Ms. Jolene Lindren '13, Lindren's final paper for POLS 0400: "Introduction to International Politics" is going well.
"I have to say," said a source who wished to remain anonymous due to concerns she will "come across as bragging," "Jolene Lindren is pulling out all the stops on this one."
This anonymous source confirms the reports of several students who have taken classes with Lindren, live on her floor, or have waited behind her in the Tastes of the World line at the Sharpe Refectory.
"Christ, was that weird," said Mike Riggins '10. "I was going into the bathroom at the Rock, and this girl stops me to say, 'Hey, you're in my section.' I tell her I'm not, but instead of acknowledging this and letting me pee - oh my God, I so had to pee - she said, 'Well I just wanted to ask you how your paper's going. .Cause mine's going really well.'"
"It was pretty horrifying," said Jihyun Kim '12, who watched the encounter unfold. "He kept saying, 'Okay, so, see you in section,' obviously pretending he was in her section so he could push the encounter off until later. But that only gave her more questions to ask."
According to Riggins, "After that my strategy was to give her unconditional praise. 'Oh yeah, your thesis statement sounds great! No, I don't think the example about Zaire is irrelevant!' But that woman is running a compliment Ponzi scheme."
"It's hard to pinpoint the moment when Riggins gave up," Kim said, "and made a calculated decision to piss his pants. It's even harder to pinpoint the logic that would lead that girl to take this as a sign of Mike's excitement about the point she makes in her fourth body paragraph."
"Not only did the encounter sully my good name," said Riggins, "but sweet Jesus, it turns out the essay wasn't due for another two weeks!"
Our anonymous source indeed credits Lindren's "painstaking forethought" as a central contributor to her "sterling G.P.A."
"Whether you're applying to Harvard Medical School, Yale Law, or the International Yacht Restoration School," this source said, "they're not going to look at you the same if your transcript is blotched with A minuses." When this reporter pointed out that Brown only gives whole letter grades, the source responded cheerfully, "Sure, but that doesn't exactly give you license to take chances with your future, now, does it?"
According to Lindren's "International Politics" teaching assistant, Jasna Tajojevic GS, "Jolene is a great student, but I think she's a little confused about whose office hours my office hours are, because for a full two and a half hours the young woman is literally parked in that chair," Tajojevic said, motioning with her head.
"I give her all A's," said Tajojevic, "but that doesn't work. I complement her on everything she does, but that won't make her leave either. If I say 'You did a great job with this conclusion,' she'll ask if I was implying that her examples themselves weren't enough. Seriously, the girl is a compliment black hole!"
Lindren does have her fans, however. "When we realized she would write tons of commentary in the margins of every one of her textbooks, and then inscribe 'With Notes by Jolene Lindren' on the covers before selling them back, we found it a little obnoxious," said Brown Bookstore Administrator Richard Geake. "But then the jocks found out about her notes, and those books started flying off the shelves! We instituted bidding wars, and at this point I am proud to say that Jolene is responsible for 30-40% of the Brown Bookstore's revenue."
Tom Jackson '12, who plays multiple varsity sports, confirmed Geake's account, saying, "When I brought up some of Lindren's shit in section, it was honestly like I hit a touchdown over the goalie's head while I caught the golden snitch."
Added Jackson, "I'd elect that babe to restore my yacht any day."
