Partly Cloudy, 64°
David Schmitt '11 has always been passionate about protecting the environment, but the self-labeled tree-hugger has been discouraged recently. Although he frequently displays his fondness for foliage by wrapping his arms around their trunks and pressing his cheek softly against their woody exteriors, his latest enthusiastic embraces have been thwarted - by a cactus.
"Unrequited love is always hard, you know?" said Schmitt, gingerly dabbing the tears under his eyes. "She's just kind of prickly."
Schmitt met the bulbous potted cactus plant at his local Rhode Island Home Depot, hoping to display the fervor with which he loves plants by keeping one inside his small, dimly lit dorm room. Schmitt chose the cactus plant after an employee at the home improvement store told him cacti "don't require a lot of loving." That was just what he needed to hear: Schmitt says he wasn't ready for the commitment that other plant varieties demanded and opted to pursue a more casual affair.
"But I didn't expect this utter lack of affection," Schmitt said. He says he has tried exhaustively to woo his new plant companion but has had little success. "I took her to Fish Co. and adoringly grinded up on her while showing her my Lady GaGa 'poker face' - it was very painful."
Lance Yeager '10, a friend of Schmitt's, has expressed concern. He feels that Schmitt's attempts to win over the cactus with physical affection are misguided.
"It's retarded," said Yeager. "When he started hugging trees and wearing tie-dye shirts and babbling on about 'free-range' whatever the fuck, I tolerated it. But now the dude is hugging what nature designed to not be touched - like more so than Drew Barrymore. She's totally an uggo."
Schmitt says that he's not misguided; he just needs to be patient since cacti are notoriously hard to get close to. He feels that such attempts to squeeze these dessert-dwelling plants are vital to help preserve the environment. "I don't actually know anything about global warming or deforestation or anything like that. But I do know that I thoroughly support 'going green' and pretending to care about what Al Gore is saying."
Schmitt plans to take further action to successfully hug his newly acquired cactus. He says he has already attended couples counseling and is currently looking for a new therapist since the previous one, Dr. Ruben Lichtenstein, quit after just two sessions.
"It was an unbelievable waste of my time," said Dr. Lichtenstein. "The cactus.she was so nettlesome and difficult-there was no getting through her. I tried, but it seems that leftist love of plants isn't physically reciprocated. Except with elm trees. But they are total sluts."
Schmitt shrugged when informed of the good doctor's comments. "He just didn't understand that our love will ultimately transcend our differences," he said, before excusing himself to listen to Nazareth's 1975 classic "Love Hurts."
