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After a lack of University funding, it was announced that Trojan Condoms would be the next big donor in Brown University history when the school becomes home to the Trojan Condoms Classics Center.
This announcement comes as no surprise as over the course of the last five years, Trojan has been building up its Condoms for Charity division. Condoms for Charity introduced a line of products where 80% of the profits go to charity. After the success of the "Ribbed for Homeless Pleasure" condom, Trojan decided it was time to expand the program.
"Once we introduced 'Ribbed for Homeless Pleasure,' we saw that this program was going to explode all over the face of the nation. That was when we knew it was time to introduce even more charitable condoms. Next on our list was 'The Flooder-Sure to Break Any Levee,' an extra-lubricated condom, to benefit New Orleans. We decided after that that, we should look into donating to a University, and after watching the Bill O'Reilly special on SexPowerGod, we knew Brown was the right place," explained Jim Daniels, Vice President of Marketing for Trojan.
After the decision was made that Trojan would be funding the Classics Department here at Brown, it was time to decide on just the right name for the new condoms. Students sent in submissions for things like "Midsummer Night's Dreamers," "Twisted Odysseys" and "For an Epic Good Time." Though developers found these names witty, "they just didn't convey the intellectual aspect of what Trojan was doing," commented Frank Scheiner, Vice President of Product Development. "We want to create condoms for intellectuals, something stimulating, and something that shows that Trojan is not just in the sex market; we want to be a part of the scholarly world too."
And so the long hard job began. And in a climactic moment, it came: "The Stimulator."
The sheath will be rainbow colored and come in two sizes: Magnum and Regular. But as this female reporter can tell you, a Petite size will be needed on campus. The condom will feature a new, patented Aegean Sea tip. The names of famous Classical writers, such as Homer and Virgil, will be strategically engraved into the condom to create what Trojan hopes will be "A new, intellectual way of having a great time". In response to premature concerns about the durability of an engraved prophylactic, Trojan assured this reporter that the condom would be "good enough for Jason's seamen, the Argonauts."
The condoms will go on sale next month, and like most products at the bookstore, will be 25% off if used. Trojan is hoping that the erection of the new classics building will be completed in six to nine months, unless construction workers experience difficulty getting it up.
