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Reeling from the disappointment of a series of dreams in which extraordinary and seemingly perfect things were happening to him, Jonathan Zinkel ’14 realized that his positive, good dreams are just as, if not more emotionally damaging than, his terrifying nightmares. Zinkel, whom sources describe as a middling student struggling to complete Brown’s rigorous pre-medical program, regularly has dreams in which whimsical and incredible things happen to him, leaving him more emotionally crippled and upset than any of his recurring nightmares.
Zinkel explained the nature of these damaging dreams in a recent interview. “I literally have to work my balls off day and night to even dream of a passing grade in organic chemistry, and girls literally have no interest in me at any point in time. Meanwhile, I take an unsuspecting nap, and have this awesome dream about getting an A on my orgo final, while simultaneously getting a blowjob from a girl I have a fulfilling emotional bond with. Then my parents walk in and say they're proud of me. Total bullshit!” The junior reportedly wakes up from these seemingly positive dreams--often cursing out into the dark of night--wishing he had instead dreamed that a monstrous figure had chased him relentlessly, ultimately catching him and eating him due to his legs being stuck in a endless pit of quicksand.
“Last night I went to sleep, and had a dream that I saved a man’s life in a stressful and incredibly risky neurological surgical procedure while my parents and girlfriend cheered me on," said Zinkel. "I failed my Neuro lab last semester, and my ex-girlfriend has been banging a football player at Clemson for the past year and a half.”
Zinkel went on to add, “And it seemed so real. Oh God, it all seemed so real.”
According to Zinkel, the blame goes to his subconscious mind. “My brain knows, man,” Zinkel stated. “Even though I have a pathological fear of snakes, heights and abandonment, and it could torment me with that every night, it would rather have me race down the Autobahn in a Lamborghini Murcialago because it knows that’s my favorite car in the world and that I’ll never be able to fucking afford it.”
“I’m done with this interview, I need to get some sleep,” Zinkel said to end the exclusive interview. “I can only hope I fall out of a goddamned plane or something.”
