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The Brown Noser

University to Change Sports Team Name to Brown Rice

Published Friday, April 27th, 2007

Brown University Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger issued a press release last night, which stated the Uiversity's intention to drop the nickname "Brown Bears" at the conclusion of the current athletic season. Citing complaints from numerous fans that the present nickname is offensive, Goldberger stated that beginning with the 2007 fall season, teams will be known as the Brown Rice.

"The NCAA is cracking down on nicknames deemed offensive to Native Americans," explained Sarah Fraser, Assistant Athletic Director for Compliance. "The many tribes that revere the bear were insulted by the comic depiction of 'dancing bear' in various sports uniforms."

According to Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron, the new name was selected after long hours of deliberation, during which it was decided that rice is not offensive to anybody. "We had to pick a mascot that was innocuous, could rile up fans of our fine sports teams," she stated. "So clearly the only choice we had was rice."

Students wondered if the Administration was being entirely honest about the reasons for the change.

One sophomore hockey player, who spoke to The Noser on condition of anonymity, wondered if the alteration was simply an effort to attract Asian-American applicants, currently flocking to west coast schools, such as Stanford University.

"Dude, do they really expect us to believe that people were offended by bears? Now a shameless ploy to attract Asians, that's offensive," said the athlete.

Baseball Head Coach Marek Drabinski had another theory. "I was in University Hall the other day for a meeting with Ruth [Simmons], and there was this draft letter on her desk to a man she called 'Ben,' thanking him for his generous donation, and telling him that 'the rice issue would soon be addressed,'" he revealed. "I'm not accusing anybody of anything here, but if you ask me, something's fishy here."

President Simmons' office refused to comment on now rampant rumors that the name change was precipitated by a $100 million donation from rice mogul and self-made millionaire Uncle Ben.

"We stand by the statements made by the Athletic Department. There is nothing
more to say on this matter," a spokesman stated.

Nonetheless, questions about the change will not subside. Officials, under ever-mounting criticism, continue to maintain that there is no hidden agenda and that the change will go ahead as planned.

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