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Brown's Department of Expansion announced plans to merge with global shipping giant UPS at a press conference late last Thursday. The contract, still under negotiation, is expected to make UPS the exclusive on-campus delivery service and include a clause whereby students can enclose themselves in packages for international shipping. If this is the case, it may allow a contingency of students who currently lack the finances to purchase airfare the opportunity to study abroad.
When asked if he would rethink his decision to remain at Brown for the entirety of his junior year, Adam Margolius '09 replied, "No, definitely not," citing the dangers and discomforts associated with traveling in an enclosed box.
Other students, however, are intrigued by the idea. "I would definitely do it as long as I was able to pad the box and, you know, poke some holes for air," senior Rosa Handleman commented.
UPS has assured Brown that padding would be provided. However, they have yet to back the idea of holes for ventilation claiming that the aesthetic costs were too high.
The merger, part of the Boldly Brown campaign, is only the second time in history that a mail service has entered into such a partnership with a totally unrelated industry. The first occurrence was in 1774 when the Pony Express joined with Daughters of the Revolution. This venture, highly acclaimed at the time, ended in failure when Abigail Adams was ridden to death during the last leg of a rush delivery.
President Ruth Simmons told reporters that the administration was aware of the history behind the merger and they are taking precautionary measures. "It is highly unlikely," she told a relieved crowd, "that a member of Brown's Faculty would be ridden to death."
When asked why she was so confident, she cited the fact that mail is now delivered using motorized vehicles. Still, as a safety standard, all employees of Brown will undergo a workshop on proper hydration and exhaustion maintenance.
