Partly Cloudy, 64°
An ongoing investigation conducted by the Department of Public Safety has linked the latest campus blood drives to vampires.
It was revealed that a coven of the sleek, blood-sucking, glowingly pale creatures would slip into Sayles Hall in the wee hours of the morning, when the only students awake were too intoxicated to take notice of their presence, and set up their blood harvesting equipment. Red Cross nurses would then operate the vampiric equipment, taking hundreds of pints of human blood daily. The blood, upon extraction, would slip away from the refrigerated bags and into the vampires' lair, hidden among the sealed-off campus tunnels. It is not yet known whether vampires were also responsible for the creation or later closing of the tunnels.
Alarmed by their steadily declining blood harvest, the Red Cross had blamed student indifference or misinformation and embarked upon a targeted advertising campaign. It is not clear, though, whether the Red Cross was the only organization planting table slips demanding blood.
"Save a life: Give Blood!" "We don't even care if you're gay!" and "We want to pierce your neck with our fangs until your body goes limp, devoid of blood and a beating heart!" are some of the advertisements under investigation.
Some students had suspected foul play at campus blood drives, but found their misgivings unheeded.
Gordon Schmidt '09 explains, "Normally at blood drives, they'll ask questions like, 'Do you know your blood type?' or 'Do you have AIDS?' but at the last one in Sayles, the nurse simply asked me, 'Describe what your blood tastes like. Would you say it is (a) too hot, (b) too cold, or (c) just right?' That's what first tipped me off."
However, not all has been rosy since the police suspended campus blood drives last month. Department of Public Safety spokesman Jon Winston estimates that "there has been a 20 to 25% increase in blood-related murders on Thayer Street in the past thirty days." He further cautions students to carry cloves of garlic and at least three wooden stakes for protection.
Moreover, Ruth Simmons has recently added "Safeguarding Students from Vampires" to the Brown Academic Enrichment Program, claiming, "For our institution to thrive in the next century, we need to have living, breathing, pulsating, and delicious students."
