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On December 2nd, an otherwise dull and ordinary day was brought to life by the introduction of deadly bacteria into a densely populated urban area, causing citywide panic, at least half a dozen deaths, and, according to the overwhelming consensus of students, faculty, and staff, "laughs a'plenty." Such was the scene across campus yesterday as shock and outrage quickly melted away to smiles and wry amusement as news spread that Michael "Mickey" Winston, errant prankster, had struck again.
"It was the Mickster?" guffawed his roommate Dave Schumer '13, pausing for a brief coughing fit as the spores of bacillus anthracis took root in his body, foreshadowing tissue damage and total respiratory failure. "There's just no stopping this guy!"
Winston is quickly making a name for himself around campus. As a follow-up to his September distribution of slightly perforated condoms and his October firebombing of University Hall, the anthrax attack appeared to be a resounding hit.
"This attack outlines, in grave terms, the weaknesses of the United States food distribution system to terrorist attack and our overall susceptibility to biological warfare," said Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, in a prepared statement. "But I suppose boys will be boys."
However, not everyone was impressed by Winston's antics.
"Sorry, kid, but that's just not going to cut it around here," said Katie Bernadette '12. "Anthrax? Seriously? That was done to death by, when, the eighties?"
"I mean, Jesus," she added, "At least show that you care enough to throw some SARS in there or something."
Winston was also known as a mischievous rascal in his hometown of Edina, Minnesota. Local residents fondly recalled his devilish antics. "Remember that time he replaced Mr. Mickleson's decaffeinated coffee with caffeinated coffee?" recalled Winston's former classmate, Francine Peterson, fondly. "And that time he got the principal arrested for child pornography, that was great."
"Don't forget that one where he blew up a significant portion of the downtown area with an improvised explosive," chuckled Adam Hawthorne, former Edina High principal.
After that incident, local circuit court judge Jeffrey Howard, while describing the act as one of "criminal negligence, if not terrorism," suspended Winston's sentence, describing him as "a chipper ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark and foreboding universe," commenting, "We sure could use more like him," as he delivered his judgment from the charred remains of the Edina courthouse.
Winston, interviewed after the incident, remained unrepentant.
"We all need some spice in this world of ours, you know?" Winston commented, flashing his trademark winning smile as he hunched over a desk in his dorm room, researching the weak points of the campus plumbing system using blueprints from the local Planning Board. "I see myself as the paprika shaker that hovers over the bland bowls of oatmeal of our lives."
"Only, you know," he clarified, "anthrax instead of paprika."
