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The federal government is "very disappointed" in Wall Street for blowing its entire 700 billion dollar bailout on a sleepover that was described by many as "a perfect example of the type of greed and wastefulness that brought America's economy to the brink of collapse" and by those who attended as "wicked awesome."
President Bush described the bill as ".a bold step, and one I would not recommend if it were not absolutely necessary." Bush said, "But Wall Street has promised to spend this money responsibly, putting most of it in their piggy bank, and using less than 10% to buy baseball cards and chewing gum."
Upon news of the bailout bill passing,
Ben Bernanke, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, immediately called up his 'bestest friends'. "Guys you're NEVER going to believe this, Bush and Congress said it's ok, we can have a sleepover! And 700 billion dollars!"
All eight executives reportedly became "extremely hyper."
"Should we invite Greenspan?" Asked "Tommy" [Tom Mahoney, former CEO of Merrill Lynch]. "Naw, he's a loser." Bernanke said. "Oh yeah. Bush said we have to invite Hank [Hank Paulson, current Secretary of the Treasury], even though he smells bad and always pees his bed."
The 700 billion dollars was split roughly evenly between six former and current executives who had suffered from the recent financial collapse. Ben Bernanke and "Smelly Hank" were also given an equal share. "Ricky" [Richard Syron, CEO of Freddie Mac], upon learning the sheer magnitude of his share, expressed a desire to see "a bajillion of something. anything." Ricky used his share to purchase and redirect every grain of rice available on the world market. Upon seeing the largest quantity of food ever gathered in one place, Ricky paused for moment, solemnly intoned ".awesome!" then urinated on the rice. He then ran back to join his friends in their 28th straight hour of playing Goldeneye on the N64.
Bernanke spent his share of the bailout re-filming his favorite movies with himself in the title roles. His favorites, he later concluded, were when he played Luke Skywalker in 'Star Wars Episode V: Except Leia Isn't Luke's Sister so We Get to Make Out, and I also Get to Play Darth Vader'. Bernanke's version of ET resembled the original, but included the additional plot point that "ET was like this evil powerful alien, and I was Luke Skywalker in that movie too, and I needed to kill ET."
Some of the CEOs harbored ill feelings regarding their association with the recent financial collapse. Stan O'Neill (ex-Freddie Mac CEO), seemingly penitent for his role in the financial collapse, used his share to purchase enough turkeys for every American household to enjoy a delicious meal on Thanksgiving day. Upon cutting into the birds, however, Americans across the country were chagrined to discover that each turkey had been painstakingly stuffed with vicious hornets.
"You said you couldn't trust me with your money. Looks like you were right!" Stan cackled, just before purchasing three hundred Nutrageous bars in order to maintain his sugar high.
The CEOs hired three million strippers for a one hour period, yet never admitted the women to the premises. Ben Bernanke, in a fit of red-faced giggling, reported that "we were all too chicken to answer the door. besides, girls have cooties!"
Smelly Hank, of course, urinated in his sleeping bag. He was "totally cheated" out of his share of the bailout when Stan O'Neill convinced him to swap his eighty-eight one billion dollar bills for ninety one dollar bills.
President Bush, who drove the executives back home the next day, reported that they were all "very cranky" due to their lack of sleep. When asked to report on the extravagant expenditures, Bush noted that he was ".very disappointed. But it was their allowance to spend."
