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In response to recent student complaints concerning their policy change, the Committee for Brown Morning Mail has decided to announce every single event that occurs on campus. "Large and small, from celebrity guest lectures to your friend's stupid themed dorm parties, we'll advertise it," said Morning Mail Chair, Matthew Boardman '09.
The Committee for Brown Morning Mail reportedly received vehement criticism when they announced that only events of three hundred or more would be advertised. "I was absolutely furious," said Jack Parson '11. "Morning Mail is supposed to be a daily digest of news for the Brown community. How else am I going to stay informed?" Added Parson, "Granted, I never read that shit, anyway."
Other students were likewise outraged. Serena Davis '10 complained that she's been missing all kinds of important events since the initial change. "Without Morning Mail, I never know what's going on. I missed the Marxist Sex Workshop they held the other night. I'll never forgive Morning Mail for that. Damn heartless bourgeois institution."
In response to such criticism, Morning Mail has greatly expanded their list of events. The nightly emails now take five minutes to open and six hours to skim the headlines. "I love how thorough it is," said Davis in a subsequent interview. Highlights of recent Morning Mails include sophomore Carol Oates' all-night "Gossip Girl" marathon and junior Jim Roberts' plan to skip class and sleep until four in the afternoon. The most anticipated campus event for today is the half-hour session of furious masturbation followed by several hours of intense weeping Michael Weary '12 planned.
So far the new policy change has received mainly positive feedback. Boardman, the Morning Mail chair, is a voice of continuing skepticism, however. "I just put out an announcement for the end of [freshman] Sheila Martson's period. Maybe we should find a happy medium."
