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Ever since the first day of Organic Chemistry (CHEM 35), Tim Spencer '13 has avoided Dirk Morton '13 like the plague.
"I sat down beside him on the first day," Spencer explained. "Because he was wearing a Slytherin scarf from the Harry Potter movies. I thought that was cool. But when I unbuttoned my coat to reveal my Gryffindor scarf, he suddenly grew cold, like a statue."
According to Spencer's testimony, Morton arched an eyebrow and coolly inquired, "You're Gryffindor?"
Upon Spencer's confirmation, Morton flipped his hair and announced with unmistakable haughtiness: "I'm Slytherin."
Although Spencer internally debated changing seats before class started, he eventually concluded that such a move would draw attention, and stayed put. But it wasn't long before his Chemistry companion made him regret this charitable decision.
"The professor was lecturing," said Spencer, "and I was taking notes, you know, being responsible. But beside me, I heard this really annoying muttering. I looked over to tell that Morton guy to shut up. But then a sudden chill raced through my body as I saw him."
A glassiness comes to Spencer's eyes as he recalls the image emblazoned in his mind. "He was hunched over in his seat, eyes narrowed, teeth gritted, pointing his ballpoint pen at the professor, muttering over and over.'Avada Kedavra!'"
"I can't explain it," said Spencer in a hushed voice. "When I saw him pointing that chewed-up ballpoint pen at the professor, aiming to kill, horror seized my heart. So I pretended I had to go to the bathroom and left."
Repeated interrogation of Spencer by his therapists has confirmed that Morton was indeed muttering "Avada Kedavra," not "Abracadabra" or "Man, I wish I were back in bed right now."
Harry Potter scholars at Princeton University have identified this incantation as the Killing Curse from J. K. Rowling's sensational Harry Potter series and suspect Morton to be a fan of the books.
A search of Morton's dorm room, which yielded the entire Harry Potter series in three languages (English, Russian, and Norwegian) an action figure of the Dark Lord Voldemort, and a duvet featuring the character Ronald Weasley, seemed to confirm this hypothesis.
"Although I too own a Ronald Weasley duvet," said Edgar Cummings, professor emeritus of Harry Potter Studies at Vanderbilt University, "Morton's repeated usage of the Killing Curse indicates a most disturbed mind. In the Wizarding World-make sure to capitalize that, Muggle-he would have been cast into [wizard prison] Azkaban, and possibly had his soul sucked out."
Patrons of the Verney-Woolley dining hall have also witnessed Morton attempting to use what scholars have identified as "Dark spells" in the pasta line.
"One time I was standing behind him for pasta," confided Kayley McKnight '12, a New Pembroke resident, "and the line was really long. I was totally texting on my phone to pass the time. But then I heard the guy in front of me hissing something to the guy in front of him. Were they ex-lovers, I wondered? So I edged closer to listen. And I swear the guy was whispering stuff like, 'Crucio!' and 'Sectumsempra!' And he had this ballpoint pen he kept flicking."
Psychologist Mary Whitfield of Brown University suggested that Morton probably considers this ballpoint pen his "wand."
"The best course of action," declared Professor Cummings, "would be to seize this ballpoint pen from young Mr. Morton and snap it in half. The young wizard must learn that Dark spells are extremely inappropriate in both the classroom and the dining hall."
Young Dirk Morton declined to comment, and instead chose to brandish his ballpoint pen and cry "Stupefy!" before dashing back into Keeney.
