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Brown University has received much media attention over past weeks as a result of one student, who some are hailing as the greatest hero in race relations history since that father character on Diff'rent Strokes. After months of research, background checks, data compilation, and bitter debate, Ronald Daggert '11 has been confirmed as having the most black friends per capita in all of the United States. "Well, continental United States," clarified Daggert. "That doesn't include Alaska and Hawaii, and territories.and, you know, space stations and all that."
While cataloguing his friends, Daggert reportedly found with astonishment that he had an impressive eight black friends out of one hundred and nine total friends. Although closer examination proved that the number was actually seven, Daggert was still surprised by the results. "Seven? I mean, I was by no means an expert, but that number seemed pretty spectacular. It had to be some kind of record. That's like, what? Fifteen percent?"
Daggert submitted his findings to the Federal Database of Black Friends (FDBF). Dr. Stephen Housenhoser, the scientist running the project, was speechless when he first read Daggert's claim. "Day and night, I pour through census data, tax returns, and personal mail-ins. It can get pretty monotonous. When a claim like Ronald's comes across my desk, though, that makes the job worthwhile. He reminds me of why I got into the field."
After the FDBF verified the findings as unique, Daggert quickly became a national celebrity. The Union of Black Friends (UBF) named the Brown sophomore "Man of the Year," and Rev. Al Sharpton once again jumped at the opportunity to get his name in the news. However, Daggert has remained modest in the face of such fame. "Race rarely crosses my mind. For me, at least, it's a non-issue. Really, this whole thing isn't that big of a deal. In essence, Dunkin' Donuts are to Rhode Island what black people are to me."
Daggerts white friends spoke highly of him. "Ron's always been very multicultural," said Bryce Stevens '11. "Just the other day, he watched that movie, Kung Fu Panda. I for one am proud to call him my friend."
Dikembe Mutombo '10, number four of Daggert's seven black friends, was reached for comment. "Ronald? I guess I know that guy. In all honesty, he's kind of an ass."
