Alex Rodriguez, 13-time All Star and 3-time MVP, has been a cornerstone of the New York Yankees franchise since 2004. Hitting over 600 homeruns, Rodriguez has turned himself from a poor kid growing up in Florida into the best-slugging third baseman of all time. And now, inexplicably, the Yankees are letting him go, due to the fact that he "sucks."
"We've always been big fans of A-Rod here in the Bronx," said Yankees co-owner Hal Steinbrenner. "We went out of our way to trade for him in 2004 and signed him to a massive new contract following the 2007 season. But it seems to be the overwhelming fan opinion that he sucks. And we have to honor our commitment to our fans."
Rodriguez, also called "A-Rod", "The Centaur" or "That Douche", has seemingly been a clutch hitter over his tenure in New York, according to all available record books. However, his intense amount of sucking has unfortunately led to the end of his time in the Big Apple.
"A-Rod?" exclaimed Frankie Damoli, an ardent Yankee fan and obese man. "That guy sucks. He hasn't gotten a single big hit ever for us. I can't believe he was even still on the team."
After the Noser informed Mr. Damoli that Rodriguez hit over .400 with six homers, including two in the ninth inning to tie games, in the 2009 postseason, Damoli responded, "A-Rod sucks."
This move comes as a shock to many observers. The 2011 Yankees have an unstable rotation, an aging core and second baseman Ramiro Pena on the roster, who also sucks. It seems, however, that the pure, unadulterated suckiness of Alex Rodriguez was too much for the team and its fans to handle.
"Also, I hear he's kind of a weirdo," says double-chinned longtime Yankee fan Amanda DelVecchi. "Like, a sexual weirdo. One time, he took these pictures of himself in the mirror kissing on himself or whatever."
"I don't stand for things like that," DelVecchi said, as she left to go take nude pictures of herself. "A-Rod sucks," she added.
"We were fairly confident that we'd have [Rodriguez] locked up for another five years or so and that he'd retire a Yankee legend and Hall of Famer," continued Hal Steinbrenner. "But the Hall of Fame doesn't let in guys who suck. And I heard he's a big cheater. Like, maybe the only one ever. So I don't know. "
"50,000 fans per game can't be wrong," he added.
This shocking move seems to be the end of a Yankees offseason that can hardly be considered a success, except for the fact that they managed to miraculously lose the continually terrible Alex Rodriguez, baseball's biggest talent. Further releases are unlikely until, of course, Mariano Rivera blows a save in mid-May and fans and management realize that he also sucks.