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In what can only be considered the opposite of a shocking development, Brown University student Gabe Brenner '13 texted no fewer than eleven of his friends the message, "what you guys doing tonight." Last night's mass text marks the twelfth incident in thirteen days.
The offending text, sent at 8:24 p.m. on Friday, caused exasperated groans to echo throughout the third floor of the Keeney Quadrangle. Though students' reactions ranged from begrudgingly answering the text, to pretending they never received it, to drunkenly yelling, "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabe!", there is a universal consensus that Brenner's latest offense was really fucking annoying.
Brenner's overzealous texting, however, is far from the only reason his many detractors cite for calling him, at various times, "frustrating," "the worst," and "a shitbag."
Said one student, "It would be one thing if Gabe were telling everyone about some event or other, even if were just that shitty board game night he tried to organize a couple weeks back. I wouldn't even be all that pissed if this were Gabe's only problem. But this week alone, he's tried to sit at my table at the Ratty at least three times despite all eight chairs being occupied."
His acquaintances report being astounded by the sheer diversity of Brenner's annoying bullshit. Though he is infamous for entering friends' rooms and wordlessly changing the music in the middle of a song, he is also proficient at both discussing topics about which he is clearly uninformed, and at always bringing up his ex-girlfriend in seemingly unrelated conversations.
Brenner may not simply suck, though. Brenner's acquaintance, Jan DiPasquale '13, had the following to say: "The thing about Gabe is, every time you think he's just a straight-up dick, he always does something that shifts my feelings toward pity. Like when he brings up that stuff about his ex, I feel like maybe he's going through something and could use some support, and that's what all this incessant texting is about. Then he insists Nietzsche is an Existentialist or comes into my room and eats all my cashews without asking, and I lose all sympathy."
Brenner was unavailable for comment as his mouth was full of cashews.
Dean Rangel, a professor of behavioral psychology at Brown, had the following to say about Brenner's near-limitless unpleasantness: "Studies have demonstrated that approximately one in every fifteen college students is what psychologists refer to as an 'unbearable asshole,' which results in nearly every group of friends including, or being closely associated with, a total prick. However, Gabe Brenner is a complete anomaly. Never before has this department discovered an asshole capable both of knocking incessantly on your door every time a girl is over and of holding up a line at the Ratty so he can put five more French fries on his plate."
Added Rangel, "Seriously, fuck that guy."
However, despite the annoyance it causes many, Brenner's persistence may start to pay off. As one recipient of Brenner's recurring texts said, "I think if he texts me two more times, I'll actually answer him. Then I'll become his friend, set him up with a cute girl, and proceed to make his night the best one he's ever had."
