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The study was arranged by Professor Catherine Hegel of Brown's Sociology Department, after a plurality of anonymous survey respondents identified you as being full of either "hot air" or "it."
A recent poll of every man, woman, and child possessing even a loose affiliation with Brown University shows conclusively that nothing you say has any relevance or gravitas whatsoever. The University-sanctioned study doesn't mince words in its findings, pinning you as a "self-satisfied dolt with literally no original thoughts to offer anyone."
You were especially surprised by these results, having recently gazed smugly into a three-way mirror, sighing "Wow. I am remarkably perceptive. I'm relatively sure my opinions and/or thoughts are of a certain worth, particularly to students and faculty."
"These results are unlike anything I've ever seen," Hegel explained. "My recent work makes it abundantly clear that if were you gone tomorrow, not only would no one be the wiser, but the quality of life at Brown would actually improve dramatically less your histrionics and hackneyed, unoriginal ramblings."
Professor Hegel had A/V assistants gather nearly sixteen hours of the superfluous drivel you're always spouting-a sort of "highlight reel of bullshit.
Hegel divulged a few trade secrets. "We had to be rather creative with our recording techniques this time around, in many cases flagrantly violating state and federal law. For example, that time you whipped around to check out a shadow in the shower- that was us with the mics. That time you bit into something hard in your tortellini-again, us with the mics."
Hegel has been studying group opinions of individuals for over two decades, but not without controversy. Her 1994 paper, "How to Empirically Decide to Pull The Trigger," was a smash with social Darwinists, but was vigorously denounced by virtually all hapless losers. Hegel has been planning to determine the most worthless 5% of the Brown student body for some time.
A few select participants in Hegel's study, consisting of a random sampling from Brown's student body and faculty, gathered at a testing facility in early October. They were arranged in comfortable recliners and asked to relax while various recordings were cued. Of the 26 participants, two began vomiting, and one bludgeoned herself into a coma with the leg of a coffee table after only six minutes of your diatribe on "how our universe might be just, like, one little blade of grass in some big lawn, somewhere."
The surviving members cited your opus, "How do I actually know the color I see is the color you see," and "Man, all I've had to eat so far today, seriously, is like three crackers and a carrot stick" as particularly good examples of how trite and worthless you are.
Though most are relieved to finally have tangible evidence of what has long been surmised by everyone you have ever met, you remain the sole opponent of the study's results. In a douchey move that surprised no one, you have responded with a defamation of character lawsuit.
