The Brown Noser

Opinion (Dec 09 2016 issue)

I Came To Brown So I Wouldn’t Have To Do Math Ever Again, But Every Night Christina Paxson Sneaks Into My Dorm Room And Makes Me Do Problem Sets By Candlelight | Dec 09 2016

As a first-year, one of the main things that attracted me to Brown is its open curriculum. I loved the fact that, after hating math in high school, I would never have to do it again in college. Well, I found out too late that that’s not entirely true, because every night President Christina Paxson sneaks into my dorm room through the window and makes me do problem sets by candlelight.

I’m The Tallest Person In The World And I Wouldn’t Trade That For Anything Except Another Season Of Seinfeld | Dec 09 2016

I’m eight foot three and I have lived an amazing life. Everyday, I’m grateful my two average sized parents’ genes somehow came together to make me so tall. I know how privileged I am to be the tallest person in the world. But if given the choice between being so tall and there being another season of Seinfeld, I’d have to choose the latter.

We’ll Never Put Another Man On The Moon Because I Wrote My Darkest Secret In The Dirt There And There’s No Wind To Blow It Away by Neil Armstrong | Dec 09 2016

As the first man to step foot on the moon, I know the spirit of adventure and discovery. But despite that, I am firmly against putting another man on the moon. That’s because I wrote my darkest secret in the dirt up there and, since the moon has no atmosphere, there is no wind to blow it away.

POINT: This Dame Looks Like Heaven, But She’s Got Hell Written All Over Her. COUNTERPOINT: Please, Detective, I’m At My Wit’s End And I Simply Don’t Know What To Do! By Guy Ford, PI and Trixie Hart | Dec 09 2016

It’s been two months since your last case, and let’s just say things have looked better. You’re down to your last can of baked beans and you could play a game of basketball with all the bouncing checks. But this morning, before you could even take off your hat, in flounces a tall woman with a red dress and even redder lipstick.

Sometimes I Think About How Many People Have Made Love To The Sound Of My Voice by Jeremih | Dec 09 2016

Listen, it’s not always parties and bottles of champagne in the life of an internationally famous R&B singer. Between constant touring, recording sessions, label meetings, and studio pressure, it can be downright exhausting. But there are some little things that make even those stresses a bit sweeter.

If I Saw A $100 Bill On The Ground, I Would Stop To Pick It Up, Then Roll It Into A Blunt And Smoke It By Bill Gates | Dec 09 2016

A question I’m often asked is “Bill, if you were walking down the street and saw a $100 bill on the ground, would you stop to pick it up?” My answer to that is as wealthy as I am, I was raised in a time where a hundred bucks was a lot of money, so of course, I would pick it up and use it as rolling paper.