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The Brown Noser

46-Foot-Tall Toddler Stumbles Across Brown Looking For Lost Teddy Bear

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Sources report a harrowing scene late last night as a large baby stumbled around the Barus and Holley area. “I heard a loud cry outside,” said student Ann Darrow. and when I went to see what it was, I saw this massive toddler. I thought it was raining, but really it was just the salty tears of this adorable kiddo. I then called DPS, because I didn’t know where his parents were.”

Following the alert, Russell Carey sent a precautionary email to members of the Brown Community, informing them of the chubby child wobbling around the campus. “It appears that the colossal sweetie pie is demonstrating separation anxiety from a blue stuffed animal/energy efficient IKEA lamp,” wrote Carey. “At this time, however, we can draw no definitive conclusions and are working to determine the exact cause of his distress. Classes will still be held tomorrow.”

At press time, President Paxson was seen in Ruth Simmons Quad, trying to appease the cranky yet still super cute behemoth.

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