Partly Cloudy, 64°
A slowly increasing crowd at Tenney Community Ice Rink reports that that figure skater still hasn’t fucking fallen over yet. Jesus Christ.
The figure skater, whose name is unknown but whom sources describe as, “too nimble and graceful for her own good, ugh,” has as of press time been on the ice for over three hours and shows no signs of stopping.
“My boyfriend Dave and I were on our way out when we noticed her. We started watching and found we couldn’t stop. Now it’s been an hour and a half,” said Allison Darby. “We just need to see her fall over once and then we can go.”
Despite attempting numerous difficult maneuvers, such as a toe loop, a one-foot axel, and a triple Salchow, the figure skater has yet to so much as wobble. Seriously, come on.
“The higher they get, the further they fall,” said spectator Phil Liu. “When she goes down, you just know it’s gonna be a huge, face-first slam into the ice. Maybe some broken bones. And she will go down. Soon. I can feel it.”
As of press time, the Zamboni driver was considering just driving out there and knocking her over himself. Someone’s got to do it.
