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The Brown Noser

Basketball Mascot’s Frantic Gestures Actually A Cry For Help From Man Trapped Inside

Published Friday, March 17th, 2017

Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report.

“After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle. "He’s definitely not afraid to innovate. And I respect that.”

According to sources, during every timeout of the game, Stuff took the floor with or without the cheerleaders and tried to convey to the audience that despite his fun-loving appearance, he was very thirsty and having difficulty escaping the suffocating heap of fabric. Longtime season ticket holder Francine Vogel reports Stuff energized the crowd by “pulling at the stars on top of his antennae, ripping the bright blue hairs off his unibrow, and flapping his wings in an increasingly aggressive manner.”

“At halftime, Stuff danced so hard that the zipper hidden underneath his neon green fur and tight jersey almost split open. After the third quarter he even got real creative and made a cool fireworks show,” said Vogel, oblivious to the fact that these fireworks were actually distress flairs. “The kids loved that one.”

At press time, Stuff the Magic Dragon was seen spelling ‘SOS’ with basketballs.

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