According to reports out of the Blue Room this past Tuesday, the paper straws provided in lieu of real ones were so unsuited for any kind of liquid that multiple students were drawn to Tony Soprano-esque fits of rage.

“They think they’re so Goddamn important,” explained sophomore Mackenzie Funke as she passively retweeted Greta Thunberg, “Why the hell do I care? I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a sea turtle. I mean they’re objectively much lamer than fish.”

“I think if I was alone in a room with a sea turtle right now, well, I-I don’t know what I would do,” she said, before staring off into the distance with a burning intensity while clutching her “SAVE THE BEES” Hydroflask. “I definitely wouldn’t do something kind. I mean what have they ever done for me besides ruin my iced coffee? They’re non-functional members of society.”

At press time, students have been calling Ubers in fits of rage because the RIPTA was taking too long.

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