Friday, October 23, 2020
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The Brown Noser

CDC Cautions Against All Non-Essential Gatherings, Endorses Intimate Candlelit Dinners For Two

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.

“All citizens should cover their face when going out to the grocery store or for walks, but they should make sure to stare soulfully into their lover’s eyes during a romantic meal,” advised CDC spokesperson Dr. Melissa Packham. “Select restaurants will remain open for the purpose of upscale dining in a sultry, dimly lit atmosphere.” Dr. Packham added that the CDC considers tuxedo-clad maître d’s to be essential workers.

“During a pandemic, Americans should avoid stockpiling excessive amounts of groceries," said Dr. Packham. “However, it’s not a bad idea to seek out foods that boost the immune system, like Vitamin C supplements or dark leafy greens. Most importantly, for candlelit dinners, we highly recommend the veal parmesan.”

At press time, the CDC was investigating whether COVID-19 can be transmitted through sharing a single strand of spaghetti like you’re in Lady and the Tramp.

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