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The Brown Noser

Dear God, Please Make Me Smaller by Shaq

Published Friday, April 20th, 2018

Dear God,

First of all I want to thank you. My big, strong body is a wonderful gift. It’s been fun being so big but I am getting tired of it. Please make me smaller.

When I was playing basketball, being big was good. I liked being big because it let me dunk on people without trying too hard. I have you to thank for that. But I don’t have to dunk on people anymore so I would like to be smaller. Would you please make me smaller?

I have a great life. I am a millionaire. A television personality. A cultural icon. But I am also too big. It’s hard to find shoes that fit, so I must be too big. Please make my body a little bit smaller so I can fit into shoes. It would mean so much to me and make me so happy. Even if it’s just a couple inches.

I don’t fit right in chairs, God. I have chairs at my house that fit me. But chairs in other places don’t. Even when I fly first class they don’t have enough leg room. I can afford first class because I was big for so long. But now, I get all squished. I see someone walk under a doorway without ducking and think, “Why can’t that be me?” It’s just not worth being this big anymore.

My girlfriend is regular sized. At first I thought our height difference was fun. I would have to bend down to kiss her, but I didn’t think about it too much. I was still playing basketball, and being big was awesome. But now it’s wearing thin. Our fingers don’t fit together when we hold hands because my fingers are too big. God, you’re the only one who can make me small enough to hold hands with my girlfriend. Please help me.

God, if you make me smaller I will pray for thirty minutes a day, donate one of my cars to charity, and will get baptized. I was never baptized because I was too big to fit in the tub. I’ll talk about you all the time, God, which will be a big deal because I was such a famous NBA player. I will even mention you in my Hanes commercial. And if there’s anything I did that made you angry and you don’t want to make me smaller because of that, just let me know somehow and I will never do it again. I promise. I won’t let you down.

Also, thank you for the championships with the Lakers. I had a lot of fun there.


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