Friday, November 16, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Elizabeth Warren Releases Results Of New DNA Test Proving She's 80% Down-To-Earth, 20% Badass

Published Friday, October 26th, 2018

During a visit to Brown University on Wednesday, Massachusetts Senator and likely 2020 Presidential Candidate Elizabeth Warren released the results of a new DNA test proving that she is 80% “down to Earth” and 20% “badass”.

“Republicans have been doubting my ancestral claims that I’m very relatable but also really cool,” explained Warren, who stood proudly by her heritage. “But now I have the scientific evidence to prove them wrong. We can all now definitively agree that I am really fun and not at all out of touch. And I believe that this concrete evidence will serve me well in future elections.”

“The results indicate that somewhere between six and ten generations ago, at least one of her ancestors was a genuine and hardworking person who was also somewhat of a badass,” confirmed Stanford genetics professor Carlos Bustamante, who performed the DNA test.

Warren concluded the event by stating that she’s also “biologically encoded to get a little tough when necessary.”

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