According to sources familiar with the subject, junior and mason jar aficionado Rory Buchanan has no idea he is universally despised.

“I’m sorry, would you like something to drink? Let me pour you a jar,” said Buchanan, unaware that his friends and family avoid him at all costs. “In a world overrun by egregious overconsumption and abhorrent planetary degradation, it’s nice to be able to do my part.”

“This mason jar isn’t just a cute, rustic accoutrement to my unique style,” continued Rory as a stranger glared at him aggressively. “It’s also my little-no-so-little, way of telling our planet, ‘Baby, I know you’re hurting.’”

At press time, a girl who hand-weaves all of her clothes didn’t know she was insufferable.

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