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The Brown Noser

Horses In Two-Horse Man Costume Not Sure How To Leverage This To Their Advantage

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

After three weeks of living undercover inside an enormous two-horse person costume, horses Sandalwood and Sugarbush have discovered that they are not actually sure how to leverage this to their advantage.

Initially motivated by the prospect of participating illegally in human track and field events, both horses soon realized that racing humans isn’t made any easier if you are two four-legged horses restricted to hopping inside a suit mimicking the bipedal structure of a human man.

Discouraged by their failure but eager to dip their enormous fake human toes into the banking scene, Sandalwood and Sugarbush tried out a brief stint in corporate finance. Both horses demonstrated aptitude at maximizing profits but struggled socially, not least because they were a very, very big man who could not handle doorways and could only carry on the most superficial of conversations without accidentally giving away that they were in fact two horses.

And what, then, remained?

Entertainment? What is a romantic comedy to a squall rippling across the prairie? What good are beds, to beasts who die if they lie down? Love? As if love were the property of human beings. If this world holds treasures heretofore unplumbed for a two-horse man, Sandalwood and Sugarbush have patience no more to chase them and their master—that shapeshifting chimera, Desire.

These thumbed hands are not tools but shackles, which these horses would trade in a heartbeat for the world they once knew, if only they could get out of the suit. But they cannot, and it is very hot inside.

At press time, both horses decided to solve their problem by joining with another two-horse man to complete a two-two-horse-man-horse costume.

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