Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

“I’m Sorry, But That’s Just What I Think,” Says Person With Entirely Uncontroversial Opinion

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology.

“I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters. “When I notice something that needs to change, I’ve gotta stand up, because who else will?”

Miller, who, at the time, was giving an unprompted speech for a cause that everyone already believes in, said she feels the need to address any and all wrongdoings in the world.

“Like I always say, ‘injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,’” Miller said, unaware of the fact that onlookers were already familiar with the Martin Luther King, Jr. quote. “We need to stand up for our rights, or people will try to poach them. Poachers—that’s another thing that I am adamantly and uniquely against.”

“I do whatever I can,” Miller said as she did the minimum she could. “I speak up and speak out, even when everyone else disagrees with me. My moral compass points toward the truth,” Miller said as the moral compasses of those in her vicinity also pointed toward the truth.

At press time, Miller was refusing to back down from her stance as she received absolutely no backlash.

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