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The Brown Noser

Jesus Clearly Practiced Rising From Cross In Bathroom Mirror

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Questioning long-held beliefs that the 2,000-year-old Messiah improvised his famed resurrection, historians have recently begun to theorize that Jesus practiced rising from the cross in his bathroom mirror.

“There’s just no way his hair would’ve majestically whipped around, emphasizing his utter holiness and Christian power, without a few solo trials,” historian Daniel Hill said. “And he was shirtless? C’mon. He definitely thought that through.”

These findings have created a “twinge of awkwardness,” as Hill put it, around the renowned two-millenium-old event. A growing contingent of people are concerned that the new reports make Jesus look a little like a try-hard.

“I mean, I still respect him and everything, because, you know, he’s Jesus,” Hill said. “But I would definitely respect him more if rising from the cross was more of an ‘on a whim’ thing. Did he also plan out dying for our sins? I mean, he’s supposed to be a professional.”

Historians have also started asserting that Jesus totally got God to help him out.

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