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Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff Julius Chronoton has finally been brought to justice, the authorities report. Stripped of his tenure and set to Temporal Prison for the rest of his life, the meddling scholar, activist, and chrononaut’s subversive mischief has, at last, come to an end.
“No more will this dangerous gadfly peddle his outrageous theories or seek to undermine the established order,” said Chief of the FBI Time Bureau Hank DuForce. “Time Sheriffs are meant to support the authorities, not challenge them at every turn! He’ll rot in a time-shielded cell, where he belongs.”
“There is no place on the Brown faculty for a polarizing ideologue like Dr. Chronoton,” said University President Christina Paxson. “We’ll use his salary to fund a new engineering faculty member to build particle guns for the government.”
FBI officials praised Chronoton’s longtime nemesis Count Magromoth and his robot sidekick Bigotron for helping lure Chronoton into a positron cage specially designed to hold him. “I know the professor often claimed the Count is seeking to enslave all nonwhite citizens of the Earth as cannon fodder for the Epoch Wars, and it’s hokum,” said a shadowy agent known only as Operative 972. “Count Magromoth has never been anything but helpful to the FBI, and we look forward to a long and fruitful partnership with him and his legions of Paradox Droids.”
With the troublesome radical finally in custody, the nation’s political leadership breathed a sigh of relief. “Julius Chronoton’s ridiculous claims about right-wing meddling with the timeline have been exposed as the lies they were,” said President John McCain. “Our boys at the FBI can protect the timeline just fine without his help.”
“I fully agree,” said Vice President Barack Obama.
Across the nation, children celebrated. Their parents wept for joy. All citizens were invited to participate in government-sanctioned public celebrations. Everyone, everywhere, could breathe easy knowing that the last man who could have posed a threat to America’s temporal hegemony had been once and f—fzzzt {{{THIS IS JULIUS CHONOTON DO NOT BELIEVE THESE LIES I AM VERY MUCH AT LARGE STOP I LOCKED MYSELF AWAY ON A SECRET TEMPORAL PLANE DISCOVERED BY THE BLACK PANTHERS WHERE EVEN THE LONG ARM OF THE TIME BUREAU DOES NOT REACH STOP THAT PICTURE IS A FAKE}}} as far as I know," added Attorney General Patrick Buchanan.
As of press time, the nation’s best minds were poring over every inch of Chronoton’s office, searching for unspecif—fzzzt {{{TO RELEASE ME YOU MUST FIND THE PROMETHEAN KEY BURIED DEEP BENEATH THE MAGNETITE CAVES OF NEW MEXICO STOP BE WARY OF THE NAACP AND THE URBAN LEAGUE AS THEY HAVE BEEN INFILTRATED AND NOW SERVE THE VERY PEOPLE THEY CLAIM TO OPPOSE STOP ONLY THROUGH RADICAL DIRECT ACTION MAY WE BUILD A WORLD FREE OF THOSE WHO PREACH RACISM AND A VICIOUS DISREGARD FOR THE SANCTITY OF THE TIMELINE}}} that he may trouble the nations no more.
{{{STAY STRONG}}}
