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The Brown Noser

Junior Having Mid-College Crisis Buys Poster Of Sports Car

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them.

“He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate. “He impulsively bought this sports car poster, and he’s been attached to it ever since.”

“Sometimes he pats and rubs the poster and says things like ‘take a look at this bad boy’ and ‘yeah, she’s a beauty,’" said Blank. “He’s caring less and less about his work and instead spends most of his time dusting the poster and muttering to himself about horsepower. He’s constantly working on it, fixing rips and changing the command strips and stuff. He needs a reality check.”

At press time, Stetson was making it known that nobody could touch his baby but him.

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