Saturday, April 4, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21): You’re feeling confident and energetic today. Help out a friend.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your energy has been imbued with generosity recently. Be sure to help out when your friends are in need!

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): When you get stuck in a rut, your soul shrivels. Treat yourself to a new look. Clementine Trash branded merchandise is on sale now.

Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22): The dove of happiness cannot nest unless you’re wearing a Clementine Trash branded visor.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Prioritize the wellbeing of your loved ones above all else. Make sure none of them get into financial contracts with unsavory characters.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): For a limited time only, Virgos get 10% off Clementine Trash branded mugs and flasks with the promo code VIRGOGOGO.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You’ve become too settled in your routine. You need to take a trip. To www.clementinetrashmerch.com.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Always be sympathetic to those less fortunate than you. For example, if someone took out a loan to embroider 2,500 pocket tees, help them defray the cost.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): They only publish my horoscopes every two years. Please buy my shit.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Don’t put your trust in the wrong people. Put it in my pocket tees, visors, mugs, and flasks.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Never accept a loan with 30% APR. Moreover, never take out a second, larger loan to help pay off the first one, skimming some off the top to embroider more shirts.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): My Venmo is clementinetrash12. Put something not suspicious in the memo line.

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