Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21): You’re feeling confident and energetic today. Help out a friend.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your energy has been imbued with generosity recently. Be sure to help out when your friends are in need!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): When you get stuck in a rut, your soul shrivels. Treat yourself to a new look. Clementine Trash branded merchandise is on sale now.
Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22): The dove of happiness cannot nest unless you’re wearing a Clementine Trash branded visor.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Prioritize the wellbeing of your loved ones above all else. Make sure none of them get into financial contracts with unsavory characters.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): For a limited time only, Virgos get 10% off Clementine Trash branded mugs and flasks with the promo code VIRGOGOGO.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You’ve become too settled in your routine. You need to take a trip. To www.clementinetrashmerch.com.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Always be sympathetic to those less fortunate than you. For example, if someone took out a loan to embroider 2,500 pocket tees, help them defray the cost.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): They only publish my horoscopes every two years. Please buy my shit.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Don’t put your trust in the wrong people. Put it in my pocket tees, visors, mugs, and flasks.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Never accept a loan with 30% APR. Moreover, never take out a second, larger loan to help pay off the first one, skimming some off the top to embroider more shirts.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): My Venmo is clementinetrash12. Put something not suspicious in the memo line.