On Wednesday morning, the NFL released the highly anticipated results of a landmark 10-year study into concussion rates, definitively concluding that regular people can get concussions too.

“The evidence clearly indicates that all sorts of people can get concussions, including doctors, lawyers, post office workers, and even artists,” explained NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who argued that professional football players are not the only individuals capable of sustaining traumatic brain injuries. “People like to cast football in a bad light when, in reality, most people who get concussions worldwide do not play in the National Football League!”

“This can literally happen to anyone, anywhere, at anytime,” continued Goodell, responding to criticism that many retired football players now suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “You could get a concussion from something as trivial as walking into a pole or falling down the stairs, situations where no tackling is even involved. This problem is not unique to the NFL. So lay off.”

At press time, the NFL pledged another 30 million dollars to study if normal people can also suffer season-ending ACL tears.

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