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The Brown Noser

Personal Trainer's Personal Trainer The Biggest Man

Published Tuesday, October 6th, 2015

Sources confirm that the personal trainer to local personal trainer, Mitchell Kramer, is nearly a giant. Reportedly, Kramer spent months searching for a personal trainer before finding the only one who was big enough to train one who trains others.

Kramer claimed that he had given up hope that he would ever find a suitable personal trainer until he discovered the behemoth. “I’m a personal trainer, so I’m pretty strong, but I’m not the biggest man,” said Kramer. “A regular old personal trainer couldn’t have worked with me. I needed someone larger. To my personal trainer, I must seem the same way that my clients seem to me: puny and frail.”

The brute was happy to receive the business, as he can only work with those much bulkier than the average person. The titanic man reports that those not already thoroughly trained would promptly perish after working with him.

According to Kramer, his personal trainer is so gargantuan that he doesn’t enter the second floor of buildings. “My personal trainer used to work at a gym, but it collapsed when he sighed one of his mighty sighs,” said Kramer. “Now he just freelances.”

In addition to his grotesque size, the monster has a talent for mentally pushing his clients. “As if climbing the redwoods wasn’t hard enough, the mammoth shouts out other tall and large things while you’re doing it,” Kramer said. “The last thing you want to hear when you’re nearly out of breath is ‘Mount Everest,’‘the pyramids,’ or ‘giraffes standing on stilts.’”

Kramer personally finds squats the most difficult part of the workout. He described being forced to perform the exercise standing on a lioness and holding lion cubs in his hands while the leviathan stared.

In the next few months, it seems that the colossus will grow even more immense as he has just found his own personal trainer: God.

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